I’ve been struggling…

I like to be completely honest, transparent with you my readers and I should tell you that I’ve been struggling lately, since November. Struggling with writing and being able to focus my thoughts on my books for different reasons. I understand the reason for some and I’ve moved past them, but others…others have hit me like a brick wall, my feet knocked out from under me, and at times I can’t seem to catch my breath.

To begin with, my oldest had a heart procedure mid-December, as if that wasn’t stressful enough, but also knowing his younger brother was driving home in a snowstorm to be with him kinda made me nervous.

He came out just fine and had his last Cardiologist appointment recently saying they feel the procedure was a success. He had PSVT, if you don’t know what that is, the simple explanation is that his heart would get stuck in a super fast pattern. This past June, by the time the ER finally got to him, his heart rate was 230 beats per minute, and he was sitting in a wheelchair.

I can hide my feelings pretty well, didn’t let on that it bothered me. Told the kid “rub some dirt on it,” with my typical mom fashion, lol. But it did, and now that it’s over I’ll admit it, and I’ve moved on.

However, what came next hit out of left field for all of us…

Just after Christmas, we received word that my sister-in-law (my husband’s brother’s wife) has gastric cancer. Not the news you want to get right after the holidays, but we were hopeful that after a hysterectomy and treatments she’d plow through it…but that’s not the news delivered.

She has stage four gastric cancer to which there is no cure, doctors in Seattle confirmed it.

How is one supposed to take news like this? How are you meant to deal with it?

First I was shocked, I mean how can you not be when you know she was in good health, and the doctors confirmed it six months prior? After the shock had worn off I was heartbroken, still am, but what’s moved me more in the past week has been anger.

She just celebrated her 50th birthday in December; her two older kids are married, one this past June, and her youngest in a freshman in high school.

She’s absolutely one of the sweetest, kindest and loving people I’ve ever know. She has a soft spirit, always encouraging someone with her words, and her actions? She lives what she speaks.

We met when I started dating my husband, and I still remember the two of us working in Saga (the cafeteria) together, serving food in college. I remember twenty-nine years ago taking a trip to see them up in Spokane and playing a game called Balderdash. It all plays out in my mind, the laughter, the joking, the fun times and the word “Pilch.” Go ahead and look it up, it’s a real word!

I remember our baking mistakes as new brides, I had the runny banana cream pie, and she had the too many walnuts in her jello salad. To this day, whenever a holiday comes around, the brothers always bring it up…both our failures and we all laugh about it.

So how can I not be angry? How can I not hate the C word? How can this horrible disease attack someone so young and full of life? One that has a family that still needs her?

But then I calm down and realize that my anger will get me nowhere but bitterness and I don’t want any of that in my life. Life is short, and I intend to be an encourager, not a discourager.  I want to help in any way I can, to be the support they need, all of them.

Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because you need to know why I’m not writing Confessions. You need to know that I’m not dropping the ball, but instead picking up a new one. I have no idea how long Confessions will be delayed, I won’t give up on it, but my main focus is elsewhere. I won’t put out a subpar product just for the sake of a release, it’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to me.

I need you to be supportive and understand that while I want to continue with Confessions, my mind just won’t focus in on it because my heart is calling me somewhere else. Instead, I have another story I’m living out right now in front of me that takes precedence over anything else. It’s family, and family always comes first. Period.

Some may ask, “How can I help?” You can pray for her, for me, for all of us as we travel this path. You can continue to tell your friends and family about my books, encouraging them to read and spread the word. You can donate to Megan’s gofundme account, so we can send them on a final tropical trip as a family, as even small dollar amounts add up to make a difference.  And finally, you can help me with uplifting words as I take the time to slow down and focus in on what matters most, her and her family.

I believe God can work a miracle but have no idea if He will. It’s a faith thing, trusting in things hoped for but not yet seen.  And I’ve got plenty of faith…

Megan’s gofundme account link if you want to donate: https://www.gofundme.com/4q-megans-medical-expenses

P.S. The one bright spot is my son’s wedding on April 2nd. Starting a new life is always exciting.